not nightmares


I’m happy. No really, I’m actually happy. Or am I? I mean there are lots of things that I would change about myself and for myself, but for the most part, I’m okay with where I’m at. But then again, I’ve been so sad for so long and now that I’m not- maybe that feels like happiness?

Ugh. I don’t know, and I don’t think I’ll ever know.

My problem is that my waking life is okay. I’m in school, studying the subject that I want to study, I’m doing well, I’m surrounded by friends that I love, I’m on good terms with my family, and I have no problem meeting new people. However, in my dream life, I keep having these “nightmares”. Well, not nightmares per say, but dreams where I wake up feeling distressed. Dreams that put me into an emotional toil. “Not nightmares”- if we really want to call them something.

These not nightmares are flashbacks to times when I was distressed or times when I was embarrassed. If I’m not dreaming about that, I’m dreaming about a past toxic friend. If it’s not that, I’m dreaming about my teeth rotting- and we all know that’s a sign of saying something that I shouldn’t have said and/or feeling defensive about any criticism I’m receiving in my waking life.

Now, before you say anything, this is actually really uncommon for me. I never have dreams like this. My dreams consist of absurd stories or rather-boring life events. I know I have to change something in my life, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t even know what this means.

Marty

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